As an autistic girl growing up, I didn’t care what others thought of me, even if I had no friends. So, I didn’t hesitate to stand up and fight for another girl who was being bullied by our classmates. But the bullying escalated for almost two years, becoming increasingly vicious and eventually directed at me. They called me the “Shihori Virus” and treated me like a piece of garbage. Even though I had a strong mind, I was gradually drained, and at one point, I began to consider taking my own life.
One day, I wrote down the names of the bullies and exactly what they did to me in a notebook, seeking revenge. But after simulating that worst-case scenario in my head, I realized that dying wouldn’t be the revenge I had imagined. They would just forget about me and live happily without me.
So, I decided not to die. Instead, I decided to become a singer.
I thought that would be the ultimate payback. What if the girl they treated like a dirty virus became a star? What if they heard her music and her voice on TV or the radio, and were accidentally saved by her message? I knew that would be the most humiliating thing for those heartless kids.
I was also really fortunate that I was going to an exclusive cram schools after elementary school, which meant I wouldn’t have to see my bullies again. I started to make friends who were emotionally and intellectually more mature. I was so excited to see my new friends. Having a new community outside of the local, tiny community where I was born expanded my perspective a lot and gave me a safe place.
At that point, I realized that my school was not the only world I had to live in. As my world expanded, I realized that I didn’t need to stay in that tiny, limited community forever. There are people out there who will accept exactly who you are; you can explore anywhere to find them. And who knows? They might be looking for you, too! I stopped living for my bullies, and I started living for myself.
Back then, I could only see darkness in my future, but I still wrote a letter to my future self: “Have you made your dream come true?” I will never forget looking up at the smoky blue sky from my window, throwing my desperate wishes into the universe.
Yes, I did, girl.
I became a professional singer-songwriter. My voice has been on TV and radio, and my songs have hit the top of the Japanese charts many times. Those kids have probably heard my music without even realizing it.
I remind myself, all of this happened because you chose to live, girl. You saved my life. You proved them wrong, and you proved that there was never anything wrong with you. You are my savior, and I can’t thank you enough for making that incredibly brave decision.
After walking many rocky roads to reach my dreams, I am releasing my new single, “When I Decided Not To Die,” on June 5th.
I forgave them long ago when I graduated from elementary school. I still have scars in my heart, but they are my scars of honor. They used to hurt deeply, but they nurtured the core message of my life: “LOVE WHO YOU ARE.” Today, I even thank those hardships for guiding me onto this path—to empower people through my music.
